The Evil Vegetable Page
Protecting the world since 1999
There are beings amongst us who seek to overthrow our way of life with their vile, putrid activites. No, not Daily Mail journalists, as you might immediately have suspected from that description, but rather vegetables. Of course, I don't mean the stout, upright, decent vegetables like the potato and the carrot and the radish. Rather, I mean the wicked, cunning, deceitful blobs that lurk in our restaurants and kitchens and supermarkets, polluting our meals with their bitter flavours and slimy textures. That's right: I'm talking about the Evil Vegetables.
The problem is that for many years these vegetables have been conducting a Goebbels-like propoganda campaign, brainwashing us into thinking they are kind, benevolent, and nice to eat. Don't fall for it! These vegetables are evil!
Identifying Evil Vegetables
EVs all taste foul: that's how you identify them. Sadly, however, it seems that people are so succeptible to the EVs' whiles that even such a blatant sign frequently goes unnoticed. I therefore present a guide to Evil Vegetables, in the hope that by educating you I might do something to help prevent these menaces achieving their ultimate aim of world domination.
We start with Broccoli, the greenest of the Evil Vegetables. Broccoli adopts this colour scheme as a form of camoflage, hoping that it will pass unnoticed amongst the friendly lettuces until - too late! - we've eaten it and it has ensnared us in its evil clutches.
Broccoli: Don't be fooled by its colour.
George Bush Snr famously banned broccoli from the White House. Well done, George! Never mind that you were a complete burk and that you managed to create an even bigger burk to take over your country after you were booted out. You saw through Broccoli's whiles and for that we salute you!
Broccoli: Only suitable for possums that have their own peppermills. Apparently.
Onions are probably the most devious of the Evil Vegetables because they are masters of disguise. Not only do they appear in their usual form...
Some onions. Yuk.
...but knowing only too well that their disgusting taste clearly marks them out as being evil, they have also hidden themselves in other forms in the hope that we will eat them without realising. For example, we have the leek:
Leeks: They're still onions, you fool!
as well as chives, spring onions, and the shallot:
Shallots: not really the best disguise ever, but people are still often fooled
The dangers of the shallot were known as far back as Victorian times. Waterhouse was clearly trying to warn us about them when he created his famous painting, The Lady of Shallot
The Lady of Shallot: Her mournful expression says it all. "I've been tricked into eating an onion and now I regret it"
Oh come on! They're fungus for crying out loud! Do you know what fungus is? They grow in poo, and so are essentially made of it. Anything that turns food grey is clearly evil, and if you can't see that then there's no hope for you.
Mushrooms: They're made of poo.
They're bright red! What more warning do you need? They taste bitter and the seeds are designed to come out intact in your stools. Anything that can pass through my digestive tract without coming to harm must be a fearsome foe indeed. In recent years numerous attempts have been made on my life by tomato assassins who have hidden slices of themselves in sandwiches. So far I have been vigilant enough to remove every slice before it got me. Clearly I have been getting too close to the truth with this website and the Evil Vegetables are trying to 'neutralise' me. Soggy, bitter-tasting sandwiches are the price I have to pay on a daily basis.
The tomato: CHECK YOUR SANDWICHES!
Uniquely amongst the Evil Vegetables, the tomato has the distinction of being 'tameable'. Brutal, violent squashing followed by the careful application of vinegar and spices can render it relatively harmless, and indeed useful. Thus processed, tomatoes become known as 'ketchup' or 'pizza sauce'.
A top government scientist displays some tomatoes after their capture and 're-integration' are complete
Pizza: Not widely known to laypeople, but these actually make a rather tasty snack
Courgettes, like aubergines (below), are immediately suspicious as they go by different names in the UK and the USA. Why would they do this if they didn't have something to hide?
Courgettes: Or are they really zucchinis?
Thankfully, courgettes have made a fatal mistake in choosing their alias. Careful analysis reveals that 'zucchini' is an anagram of 'iz unchic'. In other words, they 'iz uncool' or 'iz not fashionable'. If these dull green tubes of water thought that I was going to be fooled by their crass misspelling of the word 'is' then they've clearly underestimated me.
As mentioned above, they obviously have something to hide as they go by different names in different places. Their American title, eggplant, shows the lengths to which these foul beasts will sink. How dare they appropriate the gentle, homely name 'egg' to describe their swollen rancid hides?
The Aubergine: Egg my arse.
A deeply irritating specimen, the avacado looks quite nice from the outside but when we open it up - what's this? - the flesh is cold, slimy and tastes like licking a tree!
The Avacado: Looks vaguely rude, doesn't it?
Despite being nasty, avacados have managed to get themselves priced as costly 'luxury' items. This makes them feel doubly smug when we eat them: not only are we not really enjoying them, but we have to pretend we like them because either (a) we paid a lot for them and don't want to admit that it was a waste or (b) they've been given to us by a host and we don't want to look like ignorant plebs.
Manufacturers have long known that celebrity sells. If you make a toaster and then advertise it by saying "Buy this toaster: it's really good!" you will sell two, and one of those will be to your mother. However, if you have a familiar face from the gogglebox saying "Buy this toaster: it's really good!" you will sell millions. It's a fundamental plank of the advertising industry. Let's face it, nobody would buy mascara if it wasn't for well-known supermodels insisting that women rush out and spend their money on what is really nothing more than expensive black glue.
The principle is also seen in the evil vegetable world, because frankly, who would eat spinach if it didn't carry the celebrity endorsement of Popeye the Sailor Man? "Eat these soggy leaves!" you cry, and the world sneers. Have Popeye say the same thing and suddenly there's a mass market for what is basically a weed. No-one knows for sure how much Popeye has been paid for his product-placement activities over the years, but he must have raked in millions by now.
Popeye: He's not a dietician, you know.
The thing is, Popeye is a sailor, not a dietician. What does he know about good food? He's probably just happy that he was eating something without weevils in it. He's clearly been away at sea for an awfully long time - just look at the woman he is prepared to fight over.
It's a measure of this vegetable's filthy nature that it has hijacked the capital city of a lovely European country to give it an air of authenticity. I literally haven't eaten a sprout for over 25 years, but I can still imagine the taste perfectly. It never leaves you. Like malaria.
Sprouts provide us with an interesting lesson in Evil Vegetable propoganda. Just look at the picture I discovered whilst researching this website:
Sprouts: Aww... don't they look sweet? NO!
See? Do you see? The EVs are trying to make sprouts appear not only harmless, but cute! This is how our children are ensnared. It's a form of child exploitation, really.
Well, as you can hopefully see, I've saved the worst until last. This foul, vile, pungent bulb is primus inter pares in the Evil Vegetable empire. There it sits, its diseased white skin taut against the swollen fat cloves of its foul, corrupted loathing. Look at it! Look at the garlic!
Garlic: The epitome of evil.
Like all evil despots, garlic corrupts anything that it touches, and yet as long as it remains in power, millions of people profess a deep respect and love for it. Think Saddam Hussain. Think Stalin. Think Hitler. You know what I'm saying.
As with all invading armies, the Evil Vegetables know that they cannot hope to conquor unaided. Already they have various turncoat 'operatives' in place. The job of these traitors is to carry out the brainwashing process on the public, convincing us that despite all the evidence to the contrary, these vegetables are warm, lovely, and a joy to eat. THEY COULD NOT BE MORE WRONG!
Nobody knows just how many of these traitors there are. There could be any number of 'sleepers', patiently waiting for their orders before they start work. However, of the operatives currently in action I have identified some of the most dangerous.
Has repeatedly urged us to partake of both onions and tomatoes, and rumours persist that he encourages people to eat aubergines at his private parties. Not only this, but he has allowed his name to be repeatedly paired with a well-known chain of supermarkets at which all the above vegetables are readily sold. Need I say more?
Like some sort of latter-day Siren, Nigella uses her general yumminess to make men hang on her every word. Only when it is too late do they discover that they have been ensnared by an 'inner member' of the Evil Vegetable empire.
A devious operator, known to intelligence agencies as 'The Wolf'. Stein recently undertook a prolonged mission in which he encouraged people to eat various forms of Evil Vegetable by disguising them with the powerful flavours of fish.
I'm sorry Madhur. You might have brighted up our televisions throughout the bleak years of the 1970s with your exotic and slightly baffling Indian cookery, but you've been sighted on many occasions encouraging people to eat onions. Ah, a simple mistake that proved to be your downfall. Off to the firing squad you go...